Welcome to the first heat of the Great GOP Dumpster Dive. As you know this is the first in a series of contests to determine who will qualify for the Great Debate in just a little over a week. Each heat will provide the candidates the unique opportunity to gather all they can from the bottom of the dumpster. We have been informed by reliable sources that the dumpster contains a particularly toxic brew of half-truths, outrageous accusations, slanderous characterizations, lies, misinformation, hyperbolic rhetoric, hate, scientific denial and historical revisionism. We can see the excitement on the faces of the candidates as they prepare themselves for this all important dive. It’s almost time for them to take the big plunge.
While we have a few minutes before the starting gun I’d like to describe some of the contestants to you. On the far right I can see an impeccably adorned Donald Trump in his formfitting wet suit. He seems to be wearing a blond cap, oh my mistake, his hair is slicked down to make his plunge resistance free. Standing very close to Trump, seemingly trying to edge him out of position, is Ted Cruz. He is all decked out in a black wet suit and he seems to have some sort of scoop attachment on his hands. I guess he’s going to try to scoop all he can from the bottom of the dumpster. Moving down the line we can see Marco Rubio. He appears ready to jump right in, but he seems to have a bottle of water attached to his belt. I suppose that’s in case he gets parched in the process of gathering his toxic brew. Further down the line, but still pushing to the far right is Mike Huckabee. He seems a little old for this kind of contest, but don’t let appearances fools you. He is as motivated and excited as the others. In fact, he is more experienced at this kind of contest given his past efforts. He may not be as quick as his younger compatriots, but he knows more about the contents of the bottom of the dumpster than they do. I see Jeb Bush standing in the corner trying to hold his position. He seems a little off-balance and contemplating just how deep to dive. Yet he knows he has to make sure he gets his share or he might not score high enough for the Big Debate. There to the left of Bush is Chris Christie. Everybody keeps telling him not to try to simply make a big splash with a cannon ball. He knows he has to dive deep, but at the same time appear to be staying on the surface where the mix isn’t as toxic. There are others getting ready on the sidelines but this is the first heat. The group is now stepping up to the edge of the dumpster.
They are being instructed by the officials to wait for the starter’s pistol or they will call a false start. Anybody with two false starts will be disqualified. Trump is yelling that he doesn’t care about the rules, he’ll jump when he wants. Not to be outdone by Trump, the others start to complain about the rules as well. All of a sudden Trump just yelled ” Okay guys, follow me to the depths, let’s all jump.” They all just jumped following Trump. It will be a while before we see what they come up with. But rest assured, the next few days will provide us with much of what they have been able to grab onto.
Don’t you just love how the GOP gets involved in sports?